“Is Saying Goodbye Easier Than Feeling It”: When Farewells Linger

How many times have you said goodbye for the last time? How many farewell letters have you written, and how many tears have you shed in last hopes to forget? Grief: an intense sorrow especially followed by the death of a loved one. This is how the Cambridge Dictionary defines grief, but if you asked a person who is currently going through the pain of grief, you would hear so much beyond that. You would hear despair, hopelessness, regret, words of prayers, and a lot of things left unsaid. Unspoken. You would see tears waiting to finally be released and roll down the eyes in last hopes of feeling lighter. Feeling better.

A mother burying her martyr son, a father laying to rest his daughter who was assassinated by her husband he begged her not to marry, wives losing husbands and husbands left without their beloved wives. In the face of bereavement, all that is said to us is that it is the cycle of life. Yes, death is a part of the eternal rhythm of existence, but what about all the emotions that come along?

What about those we haven’t buried but still had to let go of? While literature on grief implies the process after the death of the beloved one, little is said about somebody who is still alive but no longer present in our lives. Someone with whom we experienced hurt and had to part ways with—no closure, no final goodbye. When are we truly ready to say goodbyes? How much harder is it to grieve when those goodbyes are left unspoken?

What is Normal in Grief?

According to Kubler-Ross (1969), grief progresses through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. She believed these were common emotional responses following shock, loss, and the change in everyday life patterns. Engel (1961), on the other hand, proposed that the psychological pain of grief is as intense as the hurt of a deep physical wound or burn. Freud (1957) interpreted grief as separation from the deceased, adjusting to new standards of life, and forming new relationships. Similarly, Bowlby (1969-80) suggested that grief is instinctual and a universal response to separation.

Grief has been fenced by stages and theories, but the truth is that there is no “standard” or “normal” when it comes to grief. The grieving journey is unique to each person, and the timeline is adjusted to their own pace of healing and moving on. Grief comes in many forms and shades, at times coming in waves that consume you, and at other times stepping back. It may feel like a constant ache, or sometimes like a rollercoaster with tears and laughter interchanging.

Social Circle and What to Say?

While grieving is a deeply personal journey, unfolding differently for each individual, it’s essential to have the right support system. Instead of hearing, “This will pass,” “Don’t cry,” or “You’ll move on,” what we really need to hear is, “I’m here whenever you need me,” “I understand you may want to stay silent right now, and I’m here to share that silence with you,” “Let me hold you,” “I made you tea,” and most importantly, “You’re not alone in this—I’m right here with you.”

As a therapist, I am often asked how long it is “normal” to cry, to stay in bed for days, or to remain silent. My answer is always the same: This journey is yours to feel and navigate through.

First Aid Kit for the Grieving Journey:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel and Be Patient with Yourself: Feel your emotions without guilt, shame, or thinking what others think of you. Take your time and show yourself compassion.

2. Create Memory Albums or Rituals: Create memory albums or rituals to keep the memory of the deceased alive in a way that brings you peace.

3. Write in a Diary: Writing down your thoughts daily may give you a clear picture of the journey and see the progress. Sometimes years later, you may stumble upon these writings and feel like you have come a long way, which would make you feel stronger.

4. Creative Arts: Drawing or even doodling can help you release hidden feelings and release the tension.

5. Passive Hobbies: Reading books or watching movies and/or TV series may give you a sense that there is an outer world that keeps going and provide a glimpse of comfort when emotionally overwhelmed.

6. Meditation and Breathing Exercises: Focusing on one’s own breathing may give a sense of presence and take the mind off from over-fixating on the psychological pain. There are plenty of calming videos on the Internet that you can try!